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  • You Have Power

    First of all Happy International Women’s Day. Let’s celebrate all the steps, victories, and triumphs that our Ancestors have been through, we acknowledge and endeavour to bring equality to the now and future generations. Congratulations on being a female warrior.

    As some of you may or may not know I am not a victim of domestic violence. I am a survivor, conquerer, and I am a warrior who has overcome domestic violence. Sadly this was not always the case though. There was a time in my life where violence unfortunately ruled my home, and I constantly lived in flight, fight or freeze mode. Living like this alters your state of reality and somehow your brain manages to desensitise or minimise the abuse.

    It was not until sometime later and I’m talking years and years later, around about 10yrs later I think that I was exposed to the cycle of abuse. I was literally sitting in a group counselling session by court order for abused women. You would’ve thought the court order alone would’ve been a wake up call. I realise now I was in a huge state of denial. But it was not until I saw this cycle that I realised I was stuck going, round and round and round. It was at this point I knew I needed change but I was not sure how to improvise it or still who to go to to initiate it. So still I sat for a few more years in an abusive, toxic marriage.

    I had left too many times to count previously, so I knew just getting up and leaving was not enough to break the cycle. I knew deep down something else had to change, but I lacked confidence in decision making, I lacked confidence basically in everything I did except being a loving mother. One thing I knew in amongst all of this was that I was a loving mother/father to my children.

    So in a very shorten version of events, on the actual day that I left for good I actually didn’t know that was the day I was not going back to the abusive relationship that I was stuck in. Once I left I knew though I had to do something different, I had to put a block in this cycle or I would be straight back within at best a couple of weeks. So in a very spontaneous moment I called my life time best friend to live with me. I knew or it was more like I felt that I would now be answerable to her, and that it would be harder for me to feel that pity or regret of my decision.

    Just rethinking about all this really got me thinking do we get stuck in the cycle of self sabotaging our own success and if so how would we go about breaking that cycle. I have used the DV cycle in other circumstances to look for cycles in my life and it’s worked but I had never thought of looking for a cycle around my lack of reaching goals or my abundance of procrastination.

    The cycle often looks like this;

    • You set a goal,
    • You get distracted,
    • You acknowledge your distraction (sometimes this not be the case it may be so habitual that you don’t recognise it as a distraction).
    • You debate with yourself over the distraction, ( in the past my home was at it’s cleanest when I had assignments and essay’s due).
    • Then you feel guilty for not making progress towards the goal.
    • You then engage in the sabotaging behaviour, (procrastination, comfort eating, negative self talk, self-medicate,)
    • You then feel guilty about the sabotaging behaviour.
    • You then engage in the self sabotaging behavour out of guilt, more distractions, more negative talk and actions.
    • You then agonise over the distraction and the cycle goes on and on.

    You become exhausted and full of self doubt.

    Something I saw yesterday has really stuck with me which I thought would help break this cycle. That is you need to act on your goal/idea within the first 5seconds of having that thought. You only have 5 seconds to act before your brain starts to put self doubt and disbelief into your thoughts.

    I do believe that this is what I did subconsciously when I left my abusive relationship.

    From the moment you have an idea or new goal you only have 5 seconds before it’s gone, you have 5 seconds to act upon it.

    Perfect example was for this blog post today, i just jumped on and did it BECAUSE i knew if i thought about it, self doubt would’ve crept in, especially about the DV part. My suggestion is to keep a journal write down your thoughts, another awesom piec I heard yesterday was to keep a success list. Sure have agoals list but make sure you put effort into your success list.

    So I have chosen today to not let that 5 seconds past, when I have a thought that is productive, positive and I know it’s going to bring either me or others success. I am going to act on it within 5 seconds.

    I do urge anyone who is in a dangerous situation to seek professional help and guidance. There is safety plans that need to be implemented and sometimes it’s not as easy as just leaving and this can be more dangerous than you may expect (as I found out). Please reach out to the right resources and people and above all keep yourself and your loved ones safe.

    Help Lines.

    White Ribbon Australia: https://www.whiteribbon.org.au/

    1800Respect: https://1800respect.org.au/

    Mens Referral Service: https://ntv.org.au/get-help/

    Mens Line Australia: https://mensline.org.au/

    Lifeline: https://www.lifeline.org.au/

    Kids Helpline: https://kidshelpline.com.au/

    Elder Abuse: https://www.eapu.com.au/helpline

    Beyond Blue: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/

  • Resilience, what really is it?

    The oxford dictionary describes resilience as being able to recover quickly after something unpleasant such as shock, injury etc, or

    the ability of a substance to return to its original shape after it has been bent, stretched or pressed.

    So how do we develop resilience, are we born with it and it develops with maturity, is it learnt behaviours, is it developed through our struggles or is it a matter of being supported during our struggles? Can it become weaker or stronger?

    My Personal Experience

    Going back a little while I remember having a discussion with a fellow employee at one of the schools I worked at about resilience.

    The teacher had been quite stern and punished one of the students for not having the correct uniform. Unfortunately for this particular student their home life was well known to the staff to be surrounded by neglect, drug abuse and poverty.

    My question was why can’t we have spare uniforms for the student to change into when they arrive at school? The answer was this punishment will build resilience, I actually thought it bordered on bullying.

    Now this didn’t quite sit right with me and really never has. As my own experience of growing or gaining resilience was not from the actual hard knocks, or people making it even harder for me when we all knew the odds were already stacked up against me. In all honesty with my kind of personality I probably would’ve rolled-over and accepted defeat if this was the case. The times that my resileince actually started to build was when I felt supported by the people around me.

    When I felt the support it was like fuel to keep me going, even though I was experiencing knock back after knock back. What I found though was the more confident I became the more resilient I also became.

    So obviously confidence and resilience go hand in hand, I guess you can’t have one without the other.

    So how do we expect people with low or no confidence to bounce back form knocks if we are not being supportive and use the crutch of ‘they need to be more resilient’. And do people really think it is up to them to build someone’s resilience by creating deliberate circumstances that make life harder.

    Resilience Has More To do With Who Is Around Us, Rather Than What Is Within Us.

    Our resilience comes from surrounding ourselves with healthy relationships, relationships that are supportive, and that build confidence with in ourselves. Knowing when and who to ask for help actually builds resileince and not dependence as some people fear. It takes an amazing amount of confidence to ask for help, especially when you are being knocked around by life.

    It is a great idea to keep a journal and look back at how far you have come, celebrate even the small wins. I am at most resilient now and I know that this is due to the people I have been and are surrounded by.

    So when you see someone who has been bent, stretched, and pressed out of shape, help them to return to their original shape by offering support. Your support will blossom into resilience which will bear the fruits of confidence. What an amazing gift that just keeps giving.

    Supports

    SANE Australia (people living with a mental illness) — call 1800 18 7263

    Beyond Blue (anyone feeling depressed or anxious) — call 1300 22 4636 or chat online

    Black Dog Institute (people affected by mood disorders) — online help

    Lifeline (anyone having a personal crisis) — call 13 11 14 or chat online

    Suicide Call Back Service (anyone thinking about suicide) — call 1300 659 467

  • Hello World!

    Wow my first post 🤩and I have no idea what I’m doing.

    Problem number 1

    To start a blog you need a niche, mmm I have no niche unless having no niche is my niche.

    Problem number 2

    Select your target audience, I have no idea what my blog will be about, mmm I have no targeted audience.

    Problem number 3

    I actually have no clue, but hey I’ll give it a shot.

    So they’re all things I don’t have and they seem or appear to be pretty important. I do know the result I want from my blog. I want that feeling when you just chat about nothing with your friends but it feels like everything. You know chin wag therapy, well that’s what I want everyone to gain from reading my blog some chin wag therapy. I want you to grab your favourite beverage and snacks, relax, enjoy and just be here in the moment.

    Actually it really has got me thinking though m, has having a good old chin wag a thing of the past. It seems we prefer to text, send an emoji or even just the letter k to communicate with each other.

    I know I’m guilty of this myself and being caught up in work, living and chasing the illusion of time just seems to justify not making the time to chat. To be completely honest there has been times when my anxiety has taken over, and I’ve chosen to text rather than call allowing my anxiety to win.

    So I’m going to try and keep this blog raw and honest. Those that know me know I’m not really one for following or being part of systems. I tend to do things to beat of my own drum and then have plenty of ‘oh shit’ moments’. I guess it’s one of the blessings/curses of living as an adult with ADHD.

    So I hope you follow along and enjoy my chaos and my blog/journal that has no rhyme or reason.